The Vanish advert – you know the one (although they’re all equally offensive): a birthday boy blows out his cake candles, throwing bits of cake (and snot presumably) onto his dad’s pristine white shirt. The woman – who I’m guessing is supposed to be his mother but acts more like an indentured domestic slave who’s terrified of being sent back – rushes over and laments ‘I don’t know if I can get this clean and bright again and please, Mister Boss-man, please don’t send me back there, I’ll do anything’ or some such. It used to piss me off and now it just makes me laugh since I transposed the action to my own house.
MofB: Shit, child, look what you did to BM’s shirt. Nice one.
Boogie: Yeah, heh heh. Daddy’s covered in cake crap.
MofB: Need to move quicker next time, BM.
BM: Shit, look at it. It’s my brand new shirt.
MofB: Must be, looking at how nice and bright white it is. Things don’t come out of our washing machine looking like that, eh?
BM: Can you get it out?
MofB: I probably could. But given that I’m in no danger of being ‘sent back’ anywhere, what the fuck’s it got to do with me?
BM: Oh, come on, you’re better at these things than me.
MofB: See Boogie, good comes from everything. You ruin daddy’s shirt and it turns into a learning experience for him and he becomes a better person – and a better stain remover – as a result.
Boogie: Can I eat my cake now?
BM: Oh, please? Have you got anything to get this crap off?
MofB: No. I don’t believe in stain removers. But feel free to buy some if you feel like testing my theory.
BM: Honestly. Can you deal with it or not?
MofB: Can I deal with it? Sure, hand it over.
Some days later…
BM: Where’s my new shirt.
MofB: Now? I’m guessing in a landfill somewhere.
BM: What?? You threw it out?
MofB: You had a dirty shirt. Now you have no dirty shirt. I am nothing if not a problem solver. You can thank me later, I’m off down the karaoke.